You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? I agree that it is dysfunctional. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung You are still in the early days of this relationship so make sure you are upfront with your expectations. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. Make plans for activities. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. if you dont want there to be issues. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. I have a friend whose husband is like this. Then you need a different boyfriend. lets_be_honest . I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. YES! I had to learn that people mean different things by it. muchachaenlaventana If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. I just dont understand this concept. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. Youve been together four months. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. lets_be_honest Some things you may never known until you move in together. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. You cant. If he lived in town permanently and this was happening every night, I think its a different story but we are talking sporadic weekends over a 2 season period. Dont go this weekend. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. Is this normal? ReginaRey Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. I wouldnt worry about ityet. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. silver_dragon_girl Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? Lindsay "I But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. Okay okay. Ive dealt with this type. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. I agree. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you Starting over! He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. husband goes to his parents every weekend. But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. I love girls night out. I agree with you both. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. However, I think the Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. January 4, 2021, 3:30 am. Heck, some people are just like that. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. Addie Pray January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. 2. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. ForeverYoung My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. You go along with him to his familys house. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. Tax Geek 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. Please see my post below.. And I think this is the case here. However, its also a convenient excuse for Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. But, youre not single now. and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. Agreed. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. This is typically how this dynamic functions. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. OR look up state parks. It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. Laura Hope But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. So dont wait around for that. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. Pronouns made that a little less clear. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. Each Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? But she doesnt seem to mind it. 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husband wants to spend every weekend with his family